08/17/2008: "The 186th day of ’The 8th Day’"

The 186th day of ’The 8th Day’

6:13 am Friday, Aug 15

The sun is coming up. I can't sleep. Coherent thought is sketchy at best. A couple hours ago we wrapped what we are jokingly referring to as the 186th day of 'The 8th Day'. I am angry, tired, frustrated and most of all sad. I know much of what I am feeling is sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep makes a person strange.

'Angry' comes from this movie in general. This is a prime example of trying to make a movie with half as much money as we should. I hate that I have this work ethic that won't allow me to do anything half-assed, even if the end result of doing it right takes its toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I quit the movie a few days ago but I am sticking it out because the director (Ren Savant) is a close friend. All my other closest friends are also working on the movie, for the same reason. And the finished product will be good, no… it will be great. Because we care about it. Damn it.

'Tired' because in the last 4 days I have gotten about 12 hours of sleep. Well okay 13 ½ if you count the nap I stole at 2:30am, the first time I had more than 10 minutes to sit down because my job was mostly done for the moment. Mostly. If you don't count clean up and the fact that it will take days – I am not kidding – days to get my home back to some semblance of a normal living space. Tired because Tuesday and Wednesday included physical labor and 18-20 hour work days in the direct heat and sun as we created a post apocalyptic future in a Bellflower paintball park. Did I mention last week was pretty much the same deal? Long ass days, hot as hell and exhausting work as we tried to stuff in all the prep and full shoot days into each day because this show doesn't have the time or the money to be done the way it should be. And I also want to mention that in doing the Production Design for 'The 8th Day', my department started well over a month ago. My department. That's so not fair. The people working with me are my friends, they are like me; stubborn, hard-working people who kick-ass and take names to create a fabulous end result that really, in the grand scheme of things, few will ever see. Or notice. Because if we do our job well you won't notice. Then again, its porn so really, no one will notice.

A couple weeks back my friend and wardrobe girl Lexi Lamour asked me why I do it, so much hard work. I told her that all this work, the month of prep, the long-ass days….it's worth it because there is the 'moment'. That 'moment', I told her that day on my downtown patio as we sat there wiped out after a long day of shopping at thrift stores, was not right now. I told her that that 'moment' will happen, that beautiful, self fulfilling moment will happen…and I will let her know when it does. Those 'moments' have occurred. The Pavillion Tent dinner, the Suite, the Bazaar. When done I looked at those sets and got chills. Tears welled up. I danced in the bazaar, turned in circles taking it all in, proud, joyful and accomplished. However on a movie like this – which is, by the way, THE hardest movie I have EVER worked on – you begin to wonder of those 'moments' balance the moments that are NOT.

My other friend, David, who is also working on this movie but was smart enough not to join me in the art department (we worked side by side on Upload) despite the fact that he is a natural at it, repeatedly asks me why I put myself through this. The heartache and the hard work. I have thought a lot about that over the last few weeks. And last weekend, after I quit the movie, I was watching a 'Doctor Who Confidential' (yeah, yeah, I know) and despite my exhaustion and the fact that I wasn't even ON the movie anymore, I hopped up, grabbed a pen and paper and started taking notes, sketching, and planning. I was inspired. And I thought of David and his words and his concern. I truly love Production Design, Art Direction…I do. It brings out a passion in me; passion and pride. And creativeness. I enjoy it. And I am good at it. Oh, I am good. The hard work doesn't bother me, sure I bitch about it, but really it's all good. However I am not a miracle worker, and killing myself and those around me, dismantling my life, my home and my sanity for that 'moment' is not acceptable.

Above I listed angry, tired, frustrated and sad. Frustrated; see above paragraphs. 'The 8th Day' is making me hate what I love. Sure a lot of this emotion is brought on by the sleep deprivation, dehydration, physical labor and so on. I have cried at least twice a day on this movie. And I am not the only one. Men and women on this movie alike are breaking, cracking…each in their own way. What does not kill us now…will kill us later. On 'Upload' the show motto was "No one here gets out alive", on 'The 8th Day' we have been saying "The only way out is through." No one should be expected to or have to do what we are attempting to do with this movie, trying to bring it in at less than half what the budget should be. Will the movie ever end? We have already pushed back and rescheduled nearly half the days. As of right now we might be wrapping by the end of September due to varying schedule conflicts. Overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. Is there anything more frustrating?

Yes. And it is that I am now sad. My heart is breaking. One of my best friends, one that I have known for over 8 years, is not talking to me. I fear the damage might be permanent and that breaks my heart. A fight, so unnecessary and really over nothing at all, brought on by stress, sleep deprivation and exhaustion. An explosion that should have never happened. One that caused ripples though the entire set and made the day more difficult. I slept for an hour and a half and the instant I woke up my brain clicked on and went to him and our friendship, our situation. My heart aches. Sorry seems to fall short. After the fight I sat down in from of my loft on the sidewalk in a pile of filthy canvas from the Pavillion Tent walls, and sobbed.

Another friend, a girl, is so overwhelmed and exhausted she spoke to hardly a soul all day, and especially not me. Her husband, yet another dear friend, is quietly holding it together, barely. Bryn is beaten and exhausted. We are fighting at least once daily. It's hard to watch such good people falling apart at the seams like this. Everyone is beyond exhausted. We are all doing this for our friend. If it wasn't for the fact that he was directing I believe every last one of us would have walked off the set last week. Or probably run...screaming.

Sure there are a few good moments, some laughs. And as I say,"It's all part of the Adventure." Even the worst experience makes for great stories later.

Cracked, splintered. Frazzled, frayed. The only way out is through.

And we still have four more days. Shoot days. Three times that with prep days and clean up. Fortunately they are not until September.

(Caw Caw.)

Okay, I am going to try to sleep now.

No, really.

The Daily Grind

08/17/2008: "The 186th day of ’The 8th Day’"